sacrifices

of the past, present, and future

Yes, I am emerging from my hole of studying once again. Hola todos, estoy aqui finalmente. I finally took the really hard test I was studying for, and for the vast majority of this dedicated studying time, I did not think I was allowed to feel too much joy or celebrate myself during the process. I kind of had this cycle of anxiety mixed with self-deprocation and doubt during my 10-12 hour study days and I’d tell myself I will only feel better if I keep pushing myself. It was not until I forced myself to listen to a manifestation podcast instead of a lecture podcast on one of my many walks that I realized my self esteem was plateauing the more I let myself think that constant studying and isolation was the recipe for success.

I entered this dedicated still therapist-less because my therapist is still working on her self-credentialing as she opens her own private and hopefully-still-Healthfirst/medicaid-friendly practice. I think my biggest crash out was 3-4 weeks in, and to all those who I called or texted crying and who spoke wisdom and confidence and reassurance in my ear, you all know who you are and I thank you so much. To my people inside and out of medicine who sent me texts checking in and not expecting replies, you see me and I thank you for holding me. Thank you to the Rise with Roxie podcast, Lo-Fi girl spotify playlists, my cheerleading and soothing parents, and the Ariana Grande tour setlist for plucking my brain up, giving us a cleanse, and reminding me of who the f I am during these last 2 weeks of studying.

I am here to talk about the ups and downs and overall changes that come with this life that I don’t talk about too often. There is not one cell in my brain, one hair on my head, one freckle on my face that is not immensely grateful and in love with the career I have chosen and with the life I will be living. I am grateful to the point of where I too easily lose confidence in my ability to be here and doubt myself as I compare myself to the likes of my amazingly bright friends and peers who at my lowest I think deserve this more than me. I know this is not true, I promise. Among the hardest workers I know, my brain often reminds me of myself from a very young age. Social events I missed in high school when I was depressed pushing myself to master AP chemistry and the SATs and studying in my walk-in closet until 4 am so my parents could not see my light was still on and assumed I was sleeping. Moving to a new school that bred overachievers where B stood for bad and your worth was in AP credits (yes there’s a book about my high school). I think of the nights I retaught myself calculus in college because I couldn’t place out of it even though I got a 4 on the exam, so I forced myself to ace a class I should not have taken again. I kept myself in chemistry lab for 4 hours so I could understand my project while I was acutely experiencing the worst UTI I’ve ever gotten in my life. I think about the nights Maddie and I went to study in the business school at UMD until early morning, her finance and me biology. I wish this other person all the best, but there was a friend I had in college who I constantly compared myself to— someone with a similar background, someone who wanted to be a doctor, but someone who seemed more assure of herself then I could ever be, and I always wondered why it was so hard for me to have my own back.

My best friends went to Miami senior year and when I was at home studying for the MCAT and crying, Evie called my house phone just to check in and tell me how much I was missed. I still think about that trip.

There are friends in my life who have come and gone, whether it was more my initiative or theirs. Of course it makes me sad, I wish everyone could understand my perspective, and I also wish the compromises I made were enough for people, but I cannot please everyone and everyone has their own expectations and conditions for what true and good friends mean to them. If you are a long time or even a newer friend, you are in this particular time of my life for a good reason and I am so glad to have you in my life. Right before I came home to study I had a night out with Sarah, Jasmine and Emily who I first met only a few years ago and that night filled my cup up so much before coming home.

There are weddings, bachelorettes, birthday parties, casual hang outs and gossip sessions that I miss and will be missing as I go deeper. When I miss family trips I tell them it’s the moments at home with the 5 of us that I hold closer to my heart than any family vacation and they know I mean it. I missed Aruba a few years ago and I will miss more, but they also plan trips around me and I feel so lucky for that.

For the next 3-4 months I will be entirely immersed in General Surgery, lip-syncing-for-my-life and demonstrating my capabilities as a future surgical intern. I have been looking forward to this for months — I even have my no-makeup-makeup routine for it — filled with tinted moisturizer, long lasting lip serums, eyebrow gel, and transfer-proof setting spray so my face slays with and without the surgical mask. I will never not be myself while I pursue my dream. I think that’s one of the best things I have come to do for myself even on my toughest days— a slick back bun in the operating room with my colorful surgical clogs and mascara is how I show myself and everyone else no one can take this away from me and I am meant to be here. I am most content in my scrubs, this I know to be true. I have never worked so hard for something in my life, and there is no regret I have. To be here is a privilege, especially knowing there are people around the world who look like me, who have aspirations like me, and have inescapable burden.

I hope Maddie is enjoying time back in Mass, I hope Arielle is enjoying time in MI with Savta. Know I am so happy we are watering and flowering each other when we need it, no matter what.

To more sacrifices, and also to being myself and coming into my own, one glam session at a time.

Hasta luego pero cuando yo escribo la otra articulo,

Mandy