Girlhood

A ladybug followed me home Sunday night. I watched her first land on my arm, and then my bag before she flew to the top of the elevator ceiling and I got off on the 4th floor to my apartment. I hadn’t seen one in so long before this, and thought maybe it meant something.

I knew this week would be the start of my period, and I had a feeling this one would be more symptomatic than others— just girly things I guess. I was feeling fine until later in the afternoon, when I went to a friend’s apartment. One of my friends has been feeling depressed and was in need of extra love, so after my shift I assumed four of us were getting together to triage of our friend’s symptoms, perform a physical exam, debate diagnoses, and develop a well thought-out plan in classic med school fashion. Instead, once I got to my friend’s house, I immediately developed nausea, bloating, and lightheadedness. After attempting to throw up I decided it was time to leave as my body felt unstable and shaky. I sometimes feel this way before an anxiety attack, but I also remembered I was wearing my extra-compression-5 pads in one-period underwear that every 28-32 days reminds me how abhorrently queasy it makes me. I rested my head on my friend’s couch while I lifted my legs up to get blood back to my head, unbuttoned my pants, and cut off the tightest part of my underwear, just in time for our dinner to arrive. I remained in this comfy V position while my friends ate, soothed me, talked, joked, and vented. With the back of my head resting on the seat of the couch watching my friends horizontally, I laughed and talked my discomfort away. I felt so safe around them. Turns out, one friend is on her period and another is about to get hers - maybe their bodies calmed mine down. After Pho and Bahn Mi were consumed, and once we shared how our days at the hospitals went, before I knew it we were on Airplay showing each other our first loves, first crushes, favorite videos, and sweet sixteen photos (Mariella’s, thankfully not mine). Eventually, I sat up again.

Nothing was more soothing than feeling like my friends and I were healing each other at the same time. I hope my friend feels better (I know she does), and I hope they all know much they made me feel better (I know they do).

Two nights ago, right before bed I saw something flying in my room. Once it landed on my curtain, I noticed its small and perfectly round shape, its amber coloring and black polkadots. Maybe she followed me home again. I really do feel so lucky.